Laughter IS The Best Medicine

The Rock's Joke Page

Disclaimer:

I take absolutely no responsibility for these jokes whatsoever. I did not create them, I am only providing a means for others to enjoy them. None of the humor on this page is placed here with the intent to offend, hurt, or otherwise be detrimental to others. This page has refrained from ethnic humor for these exact reasons. By viewing this page, you are agreeing to read these jokes at your own discretion. Credit to the original author or supplier has been given when known. Un-credited material is an indication of an unknown source, author, or contributor.

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For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  1. Save the endangered species. Collect the whole set.
  2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
  3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
  12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
  14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
  21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends
  23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
  37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
  48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
  49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  53. Every time I learn something new it pushes some of the old stuff out of my brain!

ID: 6 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Seat Hog

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you"re only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn"t budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don"t get up from there I"m going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what"s your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

ID: 8 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Kids books that never made it:

  1. You Are Different and That's Bad
  2. The Boy Who who died from eating All His Vegetables
  3. Dads New wife Robert.
  4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
  5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors. An I-Can-Do Book
  6. The kids Guide to hitchhiking
  7. Angie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  8. Curious George and the High Voltage fence
  9. All Cats go to hell
  10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
  11. Some Kittens Can Fly
  12. Attention Deficit Disorder and the effect on...hey, let's go ride our bikes
  13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
  14. The Magic World inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
  16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
  17. Strangers have the Best Candy
  18. Whining Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
  19. You Were en Accident
  20. Things Rich kids Have, but you Never Will
  21. Pop! Goes the Hamster , and Other Great Microwave games
  22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
  23. Your Nightmares Are Real
  24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
  25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
  26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
  27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
  28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

ID: 28 Category: General   Maturity Rating: NC-17   Format this joke for printing

Life Equations

SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE

SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

ID: 30 Category: General   Maturity Rating: NC-17   Format this joke for printing

Merv and His Accident

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

ID: 32 Category: General   Maturity Rating: NC-17   Format this joke for printing

I'm Fine

Farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you say?"

ID: 64 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Secret Marriage List

Although this smacks of both Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield, it is probably neither

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

ID: 65 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Arizona Ranchers

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

ID: 67 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Quality Of Life

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American banker complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

ID: 68 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

Three Wishes Wasted

There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed up on the shore. The men saw it and picked it up.

The men rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.

The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking, the man finally said, "I wish I was back at home." Then, poof, he disappeared.

The second man thought about his wish also. Finally, the man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." Then, poof, he vanished.

The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came to him.

The third man said, "I wish that my two best friends were back on this island with me." Poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

ID: 69 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

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